I hate photographs

LinkedIN.  The place to network and begin my search for a new position.  I planned out my profile, made a list of contacts with whom to network and — realized I needed a picture.

Oh joy.  I hate being photographed.

I don’t photograph well.  I don’t know why.  I can stand in front of two hundred people and deliver an extemporaneous speech without any preparation, a speech that will amuse and educate the audience, and I have the trophies from college to prove how good I am at that art.  I have no trouble circulating at parties and striking up conversations with people I’ve never seen before (and who may not even have a language in common with me!).

But if you wave a camera at me, I freeze.  My face assumes this awful, rigid pseudo-smile that looks as if someone’s performing a root canal on me, without anesthetic, while simultaneously beating me with a bat.  My eyes take on that stereotypical deer-in-headlights looks, the one you see right before you plow over the deer with your car and send it to Bambi heaven.  I stiffen, I don’t breathe, I can’t relax.  I’m facing my own private firing squad and I can’t find it in me to be happy.

Why? No idea.  It does explain, though, why I so rarely visit my Facebook page.  Why post if you’re never going to show your actual face there?

Think I’m joking? You should see my passport photo and driver’s identification.  I look like a three-day old corpse in one, and a serial killer in the other. 

But my aversion to having my photo snapped will not be permitted to hold me back from my life.  The solution struck me as I was discussing college applications with a friend’s daughter. 

A professional photographer.  Get a formal portrait taken, one that can be used for LinkedIn.  I’ve booked a date, and meanwhile will put up the profile sans photo. 

And pray that I look like a sane, responsible person in the photo.  

 

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